


Coming Home

by RainyMonday



Category: Supernatural
Genre: CocklesDestiel Writers Appreciation, CocklesDestielMixChallenge, Denial, Fluff and Angst, Getting Together, M/M, Protective Dean Winchester, Worried Dean Winchester
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-20
Updated: 2019-09-20
Packaged: 2020-10-24 23:07:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,647
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20714048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/RainyMonday/pseuds/RainyMonday
Summary: Written for the CocklesDestiel Mix challenge Destiel Canon prompt:"Dean, why are you longing for me, if I'm next to you? I don't get it…" Castiel asked, tilting his head, making Dean swallow. Since Cas was living with them in the bunker, trying to hide his feelings it wasn't that easy…





	Coming Home

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I already did the other prompt for the CocklesDestiel Mix Challenge and as the time was running out I decided to do the other one as well because I really liked it.  
It's probably fair to warn you that this was written all in one go and has only been beta read by myself once (due to the time management), so there are probably some mistakes in there. I will try and correct them tomorrow.  
Anyways, I hope everybody reading this enjoys!

Being with Cas had never been exactly easy.  
Dean was constantly on edge, his guard raised to the extreme, careful not to let anything slip. It was almost comical now, the bad joke of his life, how much he was keen on pretending he did not care for the angel when he, in fact, did nothing but care.

In the beginning, he guessed, it had been denial mostly.  
The imprint his father had left on him, the stereotypes he had been fed, the idea that he couldn’t be in love with another guy (let alone an angel) without losing himself, becoming a ridiculous parody of a hunter. That was, of course, bullshit. It had taken him too long to get rid of said bullshit, too many moments of denial and stupid behavior just to prove a point in an argument already lost.

Thought as soon as he had accepted loving Cas, doubts had kicked in.  
Doubts that Castiel who rebelled for him, went through hell and back literally just to save him, would not love him back.  
In retro perspective, he had no clue were these thoughts had been coming from, but they had been there, omnipresent, clouding his days and making his nights sleepless.  
Why should he deserve love? Why should he deserve the love of an angel?  
He had never asked Cas to do all of this for him and after trying to be cold and distant for so long, he was scared that he had been ungrateful, that Cas had realized he had sacrificed too much, that he wasn’t worth it.  
He would have understood that. Losing one’s family, home, all for a guy who was too dumb to acknowledge it, to say thank you, wasn’t really worth the struggle.  
But then Cas had done it again and again. Proving his affection so often Dean had lost track and was embarrassed of it, so often there was no question about his feelings left. It had made Dean feel warm and soft and important upon realizing it.

Technically, that realization would have been the moment in which he should have confessed, should have held Cas tight and never let him go. Should have. But he didn’t.  
There were not many things he really, truly cared about in his life and not main people for which he would risk anything. Cas was one of them.  
He knew that Cas had made most of the angels in heaven his enemy by aiding them as well as all the other people who just hated him for helping the Winchesters. Essentially, being affiliated with them had increased Castiel’s list of mortal enemies respectively.

That had never been a problem because nobody had ever dared or thought about Cas. Until it just happened.  
They had hurt Cas only to hurt him, to blackmail them, to proof that the Winchesters did have a weak spot.

He refused to think of Cas as that, a weak spot, even when he had been human and so incredibly vulnerable Dean had been worried mad.  
So he had done the only thing he could come up with, what he had always done when his presence endangered the ones he loved. He left. Or made Cas leave, hoping that being away from him, the toxic source of danger, Cas would be save.  
It didn’t work out of course. It never did. He wasn’t sure whether Cas being back had been the best or scariest day in his life. Yet, he couldn’t change it, couldn’t keep Cas save because Cas, in turn, did all those stupid things just to save him back.

In the end, Cas was still there, a constant source of worry and the only thing that really made Dean calm down, lose guard as long as they were alone.  
Whenever Cas left, Dean was worried, pacing around the bunker for days. Most of Cas’ activities were an unnecessary risk in his thoughts, something he couldn’t control or fight off. But Cas dying was not an option. Dean wouldn’t allow it. He also wouldn’t allow the red cross already printed on Cas’ back to widen, certainly not by being romantically involved with him. He knew how that would end, had seen it multiple times with Sam especially. He would not subject Cas to die just because he couldn’t control his feelings. He wouldn’t let that happen. Never.

So, when Cas moved into the bunker they would watch movies together, talk, be near each other. It was private, almost intimate and it drove him mad. Sam probably already knew, but there were always eyes and ears where they didn’t expect them, so he did not dare to confess his feelings, not even in the security of the bunker.  
All of the effort he took, the attempts he made to hide his feelings while still being close to Cas, made everything just weird.  
He had always assumed that Cas did feel affection for him, he wasn’t sure if he could call it love with angels, if angels even felt love, yet Cas had never acted on any of that. He wasn’t entirely sure about why thought, whether it was his own fault or if angels just didn’t interact in that way, didn’t confess love to each other.

In the end, apparently, they just hadn’t reached Cas breaking point yet.

It had come after a hunt, unsurprisingly, Sam had gone to do who knows what and Dean and Cas sat on the couch, Dean struck up in a cozy blanket, his bones still hurting from a fall, Cas next to him, close, but not quite touching.

Cas had wanted to go check out some strange angel activity after the trip, leaving for another time with Dean worrying when – and if – he would come back.

Dean hadn’t thought about it, hadn’t known he was opening his mouth to say it until the words were out: “Please stay”

Cas had looked at him, irritated but pleased, his eyes piercing through Dean’s. He hadn’t answered but nodded plainly, and that’s how they ended up on the couch, awkwardly next to each other.  
Dean was glad for the comfort Cas offered by just being there. He yearned to touch, to be wrapped up in his arms, feeling the warmth of another body. Yet, sheer presence had to be enough.

They were watching some pointless movie, an excuse Dean had used to make Cas stay close to him, to breath in his scent and know he was just there. If he was honest, he had to admit he hadn’t paid attention for the last 30min, his eyes closed most of the time or staring at the back of Cas’ head, his thoughts throwing caps into the mill, imagines futures that would never be.

It had been Cas who startled him by speaking up, eyes so intent he felt stripped bare.  
"Dean I don’t understand”, he had said, studying the way Dean sat there, their legs inches away from touching.  
“Why are you longing for me, if I'm next to you? I-“, Castiel asked, tilting his head, making Dean swallow. Hard and too fast. He almost had a coughing fit while his whole body turned to stone.

He had feared this question coming up, had dreaded it ever since Cas had moved in with them. Mostly because he had no idea how to answer.  
There was no good version this talk could go, no way everything would just resolve, and his life would be nice.  
If he confessed, maybe they had a chance, that was, until one of them died protecting the other.  
If he did not confess, everything they could have had would just end, slip from his hands like water.

“I-”, he began, still not sure of what to say, his lips incredibly dry and voice raspy, “don’t know what you are talking about”  
He hated every word that slipped from his mouth, hated how defensive he sounded, accusing.

Cas eyes narrowed, scanning Dean’s face.  
He does not believe me, Dean thought instinctively and wasn’t sure whether that was a good or bad thing.

“Why do you deny it?”, there was no accusation in Cas voice and that made it worse. His confusion was so honest, so pure.

“I don’t-“

“Dean”, he was interrupted, this time with determination, “I have seen you lie before. You are lying now”

It was an effort to look Cas in the eye, not to blink or look away. He almost couldn’t bear it. He didn’t want to see that hope in Cas’ eyes, did not want to see it shatter.  
He made another attempt escaping the situation: “You don’t understand”

“Try me”, Cas replied, offering a vague grin.

Dean did try. And failed.  
“I just, I can’t. Don’t you understand how dangerous it is, how dangerous I am?”

“You would never attack me”, Cas voice was confident to the outmost, making Dean recall all the horrible times he had attacked Cas.

“That’s not what I am talking about. Being my friend is dangerous, people want to hurt you just because you are close to me, I couldn’t bear-“, he stopped, the sentence hanging in midair, unspoken. He did not dare to end it.

“I am an angel of the lord, in comparison to me, you are the vulnerable one”, Cas said softly, his eyes flashing the faintest shade of blue just to remind him.

“But-“

“If I chose to be hurt for you, you will not be able to stop me. That’s my choice to make and I have made it long ago. No going back”, Cas smiled at him knowingly.  
Dean suddenly felt open, exposed, but not in a bad way. It was understanding, quiet and careful yet still present.  
“Okay”, he finally admitted.

Cas replied nothing but extended his arm nonetheless, wrapping it around Dean, pulling him close.  
It felt like finally coming home.

**Author's Note:**

> I really hope there weren't too many mistakes in there...


End file.
